INTERVIEW GUEST: SANDY JONES, co-author (along with her daughter Marci Jones), of Great Expectations: Your All-in-One Resource for Pregnancy and Childbirth and another book, Great Expectations Pregnancy Journal and Planner
Program Host, Bobbi Conner:
Q. What concrete things can dads do to truly feel involved and supportive during his partner's pregnancy and prenatal care?
Sandy Jones
A. Well, one thing is to help promote their wife's health. There are two things they can start out with. First, stop smoking (if you can), and we've discovered that stopping cold turkey works a lot better than trying to go on some kind of slow, long decrease of how much you smoke. A recent study from the New York Times has shown that second-hand smoke can cause fetal damage just as much as when the mother smokes. If you have to keep smoking, please don't do it in the house. The same thing can be said about drinking. From a health standpoint, alcohol is very damaging to the fetus. If you and your wife have a pattern of drinking together or sitting around and having beers, if you can, stop doing that around her. I'm sure she'll be grateful, and it will help protect your baby. Also, it's important to accompany your wife to two very special events during pregnancy. One is to her first ultrasound and maybe to others after that. For new dads-to-be, an ultrasound is a test that shows in sort of rough form what the baby looks like inside. It's sort of a live action, computerized image of the baby. And mothers often take it as sort of the first real bonding with the baby, like there's a real person in there. So Dads can there with her for that experience, and to also have the experience yourself. It can be very exciting and make the baby a concrete reality for the two of you. Another thing is if she has other tests, for example, like a glucose-tolerance test, that can make her dizzy or nauseated, it might be useful for you to take off time to accompany her; to comfort her and make sure she's okay.
One of the things that dads need to be forewarned about is that moms go through rather radical emotional swings during that time. There're going to be times when she's going to have meltdowns over what seems like just the smallest issue, times when she's going to be emotional and crying, times when she's going to have food cravings in the middle of the night and want you to go out and bring back a coconut cream pie. That requires, on your part, a lot of patience, being willing to sit it out, and as Marcy said in Great Expectations : "Just keep trying to remember that your wife is still in there, and she'll be back sometime soon."
Q. So these emotional ups and downs are fairly temporary.
A. Yes, they are, but they require a soft hand and a lot of patience. The other things that dads report to us is that women often go through the same thoughts over and over again, or the same anxieties, or the same worries. Your wife asking you to feel the baby move the first time is pretty innovative and exciting, but the 200 th time probably is going to ask for you to be patient and just kind of go with the flow.
Q. What's the best way to sort of check anxieties off the list? In other words, how can we find out if what we're worrying about is worth worrying about?
A. Certainly, your caregiver is an important person in this—the doctor, the family practitioner or the midwife that you choose to walk the two of you through this exciting life change. And it's important to choose a caregiver that is right for you. I've talked with mothers and dads who didn't have the right caregiver. It may take courage to change care providers if you discover that this isn't working. But you should have someone whom you feel is going to take your questions seriously, will respond to you, understands that anxiety is just part and parcel of being pregnant, and will answer those questions with reason and experience so that you know that you're going to be healthy and the baby's going to be all right. The other thing is simply to remember that nature knows what she's doing, and that after millions of years, she's got this process down, and the chances are very good that you and your baby are going to make it through just fine.
Q. Sandy, let's take a look at those first few weeks of being a new parent, particularly for first time parents. Do you have any good advice on how to really set things up those first couple of weeks so that parents are not feeling totally stretched too thin?
A. Having support is very, very important. Most families will choose to have a selected mom to come and stay for a matter of a week to ten days to help out. This is especially important if you have a caesarian section, and for many mothers, that's unanticipated in advance. But you may also want to look at some very practical help. For example, there are postpartum doulas who can be hired who will come in and help you with your baby care skills as well as helping out with household responsibilities. One other simple thing that's not very expensive is to call a local high school and talk with a guidance counselor about hiring a reputable and bright teenager to come in and do some of those tasks that no one wants to do, like the vacuuming and the dishwashing and the huge pile of laundry that's going to pile up in those weeks that follow. Also, important is having the dad take the role as protector of the mom and baby as they sleep and rest and bond with one another. That means managing the door. Managing the phone.
Q. Any quick tips about sleep and sleep issues during those first few weeks of life with new baby?
A. Well, so far, in writing Great Expectations and interviewing thousands of people, we have not found a single mom or dad who died from sleep deprivation. We tend to think that you've got to have eight hours of sleep or you're a dead-duck, but it's simply not true. Trust that your body will adapt as best as it can. But the other quick mention to say is that dads are now reinventing what fatherhood means, and it's going to be normal to feel like you don't know what your role is—how is this going to look? I don't know how to play this. But you'll get used to it after awhile. You'll learn how to do diapers. You'll learn how to deal with sleep deprivation. You'll learn how to prepare meals. The crisis itself is going to bring out enormous strength in you that you didn't even know you had.
This interview was excerpted from The Parent's Journal Public Radio Program.
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